I Don’t Understand Why…Yet

It was 2:00 PM. I finished my lunch. Went and checked the mailbox outside. Nothing but junk mail as usual. I make most of my bill payments via online payment portals; it’s much easier for me. I started down the path towards my apartment. Then, it hit me.

Let’s Go For A Drive

Get out. Get outside now. The feeling as if the walls in my dark apartment were closing in on me felt overwhelming. Grabbed my keys and walked out the door, down the stairs, and took the path towards my car. I jumped in and took off down the main road. No direction in mind, let’s just see where this feeling takes me.

A few blocks away from my apartment complex, new questions blew up my brain. One question stuck out the most: why am I making up lies for why I’m wearing sunglasses inside a building?

Normally, like most people, I don’t wear sunglasses while inside a building. No point, right? I rarely wear sunglasses in recent years when inside buildings. Why? Because I had dared myself that morning that I would wear eyeliner. It’s 2022 and I still haven’t completely accepted myself for who I really am.

Questions like “What are you afraid of?” and “What’s the REAL answer for why you lie?” were the loudest. Am I lying because I’m hoping to avoid confrontation? Avoid awkward looks and stares. Or both? Kind of both. Wearing sunglasses inside a building will already get some looks, true. But that’s it: just looks. For me, wearing eyeliner out in public is not something I’m entirely confident about for now.

Other questions like “Aren’t you simultaneously diminishing your mental health and feelings of self-worth by hiding?” fill my brain, too. Kind of, yeah.

It’s bad enough I’m not in the best shape of my life right now, too. I used to be fit, strong, and athletic. Even at almost 35 years old, I should still feel the same about it, but I don’t.

I suppose this will keep this specific part of me still “in the closet” sort of speak.

I’m sitting in my car in the parking lot of my local library, writing this weird draft, now. I guess I needed to get this view, this feeling, these perceptions out of my mind and off my chest and “onto paper.”